The beginning...

It is November 19 2010. The epic, but bit of a mouthfull, TourDeSaddleSoreDeux, is being digested, washed up, put to bed. The boys have done well. The assembled company are here (in the pub of course) for THE plan, or maybe just the plan, but by the end of the evening it is created, kicking and screaming like a newborn maybe, but there is just enough of a germ of an idea to move on. The plan is epic, like its name, which had to be original and full of meaning. The decision takes a while as it needs to speak universally of the challenge ahead. The company deliberates, then creates. Here it is, for the first time, brought to you from the back room of a West End boozer:

LeTourDeSaddleSoreTrois. Magnificent in its originality.

All we need now is: participants/dates/location/type of ride/drivers/maps/hotels/training/nutrition/blog/charity and effort. And some rules. Long they work into the night, beer after beer, earned and drunk, until, they had THE RULES. The rest can wait. For those uninitiated and the car-bound come-what-may, here are THE RULES. Memorise, and you will be a cyclist my son...

The Rules:

Obey The Rules.
Lead by example.
Guide the unitiated.
It’s all about the bike.
Harden the F*** Up.
Free your mind and your legs will follow.
Tan lines should be cultivated and kept razor sharp.
Saddles, bars, and tires shall be carefully matched.
If you are out riding in bad weather, it means you are a badass. Period.
It never gets easier, you just go faster.
Family does not come first. The bike does.(Sean Kelly)
The correct number of bikes to own is n+1(or s-1, where s is the number of bikes owned that would result in separation from your partner).
If you draw race number 13, turn it upside down.
Shorts should be black (Paul, that means you).
Black shorts should also be worn with leader’s jerseys.
Respect the jersey.
Team kit is for members of the team. Only.
No mountain jerseys or baggies when riding on the road. Ever.
There are only three remedies for pain.
Cold weather gear is for cold weather.
Cycling caps are for cycling. And anything else Rapha.
Shoe covers are for cold or wet.
Speeds and distances shall be referred to and measured in kilometers. It mystifies the sport to the English.
The bikes on top of your car should be worth more than the car.
Make your bike photogenic.
Shorts and socks should be like Golidlocks. Not too long and not too short (Sean Yates)
Socks can be any damn colour you like. White is old school cool. Black is cool too.
No European Posterior Man-Satchels.
No frame-mounted pumps.
Spare tubes, multi-tools and repair kits should be stored in jersey pockets.
Humps are for camels: no hydration packs.
Shave your guns.
Mountain bike shoes and pedals have their place. On a mountain bike.
No visors on the road. Road helmets can be worn on mountain bikes, but never the other way around.
Eyewear shall be cycling specific. No Aviator shades, blueblockers, or clip-on covers for eye glasses.
The arms of the eyewear shall always be placed over the helmet straps.
Never ride without your eyewear.
Tyres are to be mounted with the label centered directly over the valve stem. This will save you precious seconds while your fat ass sits on the roadside fumbling with your CO2 after a flat. It also looks better for photo opportunities.
Quick-release levers are to be carefully positioned.
A bike race shall never be preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run. Will, take note.
Don’t be a jackass. If you absolutely must be a jackass, be a funny jackass. Always remember, we’re all brothers and sisters on the road.
Position matters.
Slam your stem down.
Keep your bars level.
Keep your saddle level. If the tilt of the saddle exceeds two degrees, you need to go get one of those saddles with springs and a thick gel pad because you are obviously a big pussy.
Slide your saddle back.
Facial hair is to be carefully regulated. No full beards, no moustaches. Goatees are permitted only if your name starts with “Marco” and ends with “Pantani”.
Livestrong wristbands are c***rings for your arms. You may as well get “tryhard w****r” tattooed on your forehead.
Padding or body armor of any kind is not allowed.
Keep your kit clean and new.
No aerobars on road bikes.
Earn your turns. If you are riding down a mountain, you must first have ridden up the mountain.
Espresso or macchiato only.
No stickers.
Support your local bike shop. Online is evil and will be the death of the bike shop.
Hold your line.
Ditch the washer-nut and valve-stem cap.
Like your guns, saddles should be smooth and hard.
You shall not ride with earphones.
Point in the direction you’re turning.
Cornering confidence increases with time and experience.
Maintain and respect your machine.
No mirrors.
Do your time in the wind
Rides are to be measured by quality, not quantity.
Cycling shoes and bicycles are made for riding.
The purpose of competing is to win. End of.
Train Properly.
Legs speak louder than words.
Gear and brake cables should be cut to optimum length.
Cycle computers should be simple, small and mounted on the stem. An amateur cyclist using a power meter is like hiring an accountant to tell you how poor you are.
Race numbers are for races.
Helmets are to be hung from your stem.
Respect the earth; don’t litter.
Remove unnecessary gear.
Always be Casually Deliberate.
Close the gap.
Be self-sufficient.
Follow the Code. The Code Of The Domestique.
Descend like a Pro.
All descents shall be undertaken at speeds commonly regarded as “ludicrous” or “insane” by those less talented. In addition all corners will be traversed in an outside-inside-outside trajectory, with the outer leg extended and the inner leg canted appropriately (but not too far as to replicate a motorcycle racer, for you are not one), to assist in balance and creation of an appealing aesthetic. Brakes are generally not to be employed, but if absolutely necessary, only just prior to the corner.



Right then...on to the real planning.